Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
