so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
