i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
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