I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm at about main and main street
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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