So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
