This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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