hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think im going to throw up on grandma
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
