my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
