I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
