my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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