My girlfriend figured out who you are.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
