Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
