whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
