i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
