Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You did what with his pubic hair?
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