my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
