the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
