I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
