We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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