All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
