Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
