she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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