I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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