You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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