We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
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