John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize