I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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