I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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