She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
