Your mouth is God's brothel.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
