and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
