oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
is that a dick in a sweater?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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