Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
