so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
