Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
