Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize