i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
