Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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