Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
