ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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