remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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