Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
