Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize