My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
