I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
