so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
