I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
