Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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