Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
