Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
