why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
