i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
