grandma shit on top of the toilet
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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