i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Even my vagina gasped.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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