cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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