I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
