I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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