I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
