i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
