I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
